[EF#6] Anna and Jim : after reviewed

For this week EF Challenge with topic Alter Ego, I wrote a fiction which you are able to read the original post here. This week also I volunteer that my post to be reviewed. I’m really happy I ask to be volunteer for this week 😀

There were so many correction during the review from Mbak Yo as mentor. Most of them were related with tenses. I got new knowledge today that telling story in English ALWAYS be in Past Tense.  I think I missed this during the learning session. 😀

One more thing that I learned today is in correct grammar, always write in complete Subject + Verb + Object. When I wrote in Indonesian language, I often not add the Subject in the sentence. I bring that habit when I write in English. 😀

Oh, one more thing (again), proof read is important. I got this suggestion both when I wrote in Indonesian languange and English. Unfortunately, I didn’t do the proofread for this time 😦

So, to record the review, I corrected my post as per below. The corrections are in red.

“Why you (DID) killed (KILL) Mom and Dad, Jim?” Anna asked. Her voice breaks (BROKE), (IT) sound (SOUNDED) as she almost cry (CRIED).

Anna is (WAS) a beautiful woman with big brown eyes which often express worry. She is (WAS) 30 years old and has (HAD) good career as an architect.

“You know that I only want to protect you, Anna,” Jim replied her. “If I didn’t do anything, now you will (WOULD) have married with (TO) a man whom you never love. A man who Mom and Dad want you to marry with (TO), without considering your happiness.”

Jim is (WAS) a 24 years old man. He doesn’t (DIDN’T) like to be an architect but he really likes (LIKED) to draw sketches. He likes (LIKED) to try something new. His brown eyes express his spirit of life.

(THERE WAS) silence for some moments in that room.

“But… but… You didn’t need to kill them, do you?” Anna start (STARTED) to cry .

“You are weak, Anna. You always allowed them to do what they want (WANTED), even it hurt (HURTED) you.” Jim said harsly.

“I dont’t know what you are talking (ABOUT), Jim.”

Remark : Married to ….. , to talk about….

“You understand, but you don’t want to face it. That’s why I’m here, Anna. To protect you!”

It seems (SEEMED) the words spit out by Jim bring (BROUGHT) back some memories to Anna.

“NO! NO! Please… Please… Let me forget all those pained (PAINS).” Anna is (WAS) begging and crying.

Remark : plural form never ends with “ed”. Pain = Pains. Kata yang berakhir ed itu hanya dari bentuk past tense V2 dan participle V3.

Jim’s expression shows that he felt the same pain as Anna. He only can see in pain when Anna remember all those things that she tried to forget all this time.

Suddenly, before Jim could do anything, Anna takes (TOOK) the wood pencil which laid at the table and broke it into two. Jim always uses (USED) this pencil when he makes (MADE) sketches.

Anna thrusts (THRUSTED) the sharp part of broken pencil as hard as she could to her wrist. Blood spout from the wound. She let herself bleeding.

Jim shocked with what she had done. “Why you did that, Anna?!”

“No! Please, Jim! Don’t take my position for this time!” Anna shouting in pain, as if she understands what Jim going to do.

“I’m sorry, Jim, but I can’t live bears (WITH) guilty feeling that I killed our parents. I can’t live bears (WITH) all those pain(S) since we’re (WE WERE) (A) child (atau bisa juga : SINCE WE WERE CHILDREN).”

“You should let the doctors (COME) here to help you, Anna. You even don’t want to fight for your life. Your lawyer fought hard for you at (IN) the court. Instead of (BEING) charged for punishment of (Remark : erase punishment of) first grade murder, you were sent here for therapy. You are terribly weak, Anna!”

As he talk (TALKED), Anna begin (BEGAN TO LOOK) so pale. The blood from her wound had become (A) blood pool around her.

“I’m so sorry, Jim. I’m thankful for what you had done to me. I really do,” Anna said.

Jim (DID) not saying (SAY) anything. He could not forget how often he took Anna’s place when Dad raped her. It was start (IT STARTED) since Anna (WAS) 6 years old. How often Mom beating (BEAT) him till left (THERE WERE) bruises all over his body and told him a liar when he told Mom what Dad had done to him, to Anna.

“Jim, thank you for being my alter (ALTER EGO). I’m glad today dr. Philip let us to talk to each other. I’m curious, at the same time afraid of you since the first time I heard about you. I’m trully sorry that we ended up like this.”

That (WAS) the last thing she could say to Jim before everything become dark. Jim is (HAS) gone together with her.


7 thoughts on “[EF#6] Anna and Jim : after reviewed

  1. disertai penjelasannya nggak mbak?

    Anna is (WAS) a beautiful woman with big brown eyes which often express worry. She is (WAS) 30 years old and has (HAD) good career as an architect.

    misalnya itu…. saya mikirnya kejadiannya kan hari ini…. makanya pake “is” bukan “was”

    dikoreksinya di bagian komentar postingan kah?

    saya mikirnya bakalan dijelasin di blog EF dalam postingan tertentu. misalnya setiap hari rabu…. bahas dan koreksi tulisan terpilih/sukarela 😀

    1. Ini dibahasnya di grup WA Learning Session BEC, Bang. Setiap Senin, ada 4 orang sukarelawan yang tulisannya bersedia untuk dibahas. Minggu kemarin aku mendaftar jadi sukarelawan untuk EF#6 ini.

      Ada penjelasannya kok, Mas. Saya copaskan japri WA ke Bang J, ya…

      Saya juga baru tahu dari pembahasan itu kalau dalam menulis cerita / fiksi, bentuk form yang digunakan adalah past tense. 😀

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